40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Ha.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.