40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
#parenting
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Just a phase…
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Blew out my flip flop…
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.