40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.