40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I’d use my best pan on you.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.