Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.