[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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Actually cracking up @ this
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Bond. Trauma bond.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.