[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up