Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
You Might Also Like
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Heroic Misunderstanding
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.