I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
The point of your 20s
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…