4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My plans: 2020:
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”