Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
They’re called werewolves.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Webb. James Webb.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.