4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You Might Also Like
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.