4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
welcome back