4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.