4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
You Might Also Like
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.