I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m good, thanks.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Happy Febuary everyone!
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Not today.. 😂
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*