Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Botany good plants lately?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
when someone rings the doorbell
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.