4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
He took my last fry, your honor
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”