4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
He just like my cat fr
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no