4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If you know, you know
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth