Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.