I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
This rocks
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
kids play hide and seek like
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan