Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years