4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.