4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Never be a pizza!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
those birds must be on payroll
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”