4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
being a writer on Twitter:
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now