4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*pronounces patio like ratio
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Nomnomnomnom
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell