*4yo son, crying* I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace? *sigh* Parenting is hard.

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@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I am so against vaccines ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

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@Audenary: Me: But can robots write poetry?! Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

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@coryrichardson_: [movie date] me: i snuck in some snacks her: omg!! me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

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@ch000ch: it's always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

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