@Donna_McCoy: It's okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

@HALFniteStand: When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn't suspect that I watch Glee

@david8hughes: [interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

@TheDairylandDon: A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.

@UncleDuke1969: [Hoth Rebel Base] Leia: How's Skywalker? Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him. Leia: And, now? Han: Lukewarm. Leia: ... Han: Hehehe