*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: