4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Breaking news:
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
So the ex texted me
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Cake safety first. Always.