Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*