4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
SF is the wild wild west man
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
decorating my apartment
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”