4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap