4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Oh thanks BBC.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain