5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“i miss shittin on people”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend