5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Still a very good boi….
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.