5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.