Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You Might Also Like
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*