5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Ok but actually
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome