5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Just me?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team