5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.