5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”