5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
You Might Also Like
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.