5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
They say women only use 10% of their anger
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
couldn’t resist
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.