5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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