[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.