5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
You Might Also Like
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
This is me
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Shortcut
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.