5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Jupiter
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*