5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.