5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.