5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The 6 types of sex
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
welcome back
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…